In this week’s edition of The auld Yorker, our Alan managed to have catch up with Satan over tea and cream cakes at his secret getaway cottage. From his job to love life, here’s what the Lord Of The Underworld has got to share with us!
Look, that’s by-the-by! There’s no need to cry, his soul was mine because he's a savage. Yes, yes, he was a bloody Satanist! Sorry, I’ll watch my language. Anyhow, bongs? Yeah, we have a few users. Mostly abusers though. Anyhow. What, are writers always right about Hell and you? Nah, Hell no! Show-offs and Dante’s one of ‘em, the gloating goat. I had to redecorate the entire place— nine rings for seven sins, with bloody rivers streaming into fiery moats— because of what he built up in people’s heads. It costs a fortune to get the oil alone! Even with Jeb Bush on hotline! All because of some homage by that Satanic showboat! When I started, it was all about serpents, but soon enough that wasn’t good enough.
“Hey, Satan!” People used to say, “Is it time you stopped with the leather-play?” Then, they expected me to go red to fill folks with dread. And have horns too! But then that wasn’t good enough! People got into a huff because they wanted me with three faces on one head all day! Y’know, I have image issues, like ladies who get tweet-two’d from wise guys who won’t be shooed away.
Wow, lovely stuff! If you want to read the final part of Bob’s interview with the Devil, why not tune in for part four next Thursday. What is he going to reveal next? I hear its going to be a blast!
© Thomas Gallimore Barker, 2021